If you find yourself reading this post, there is a good chance you are wondering about the answer to the above question: Am I a lesbian? You’re probably feeling as if your insides are churning with a sense of desperation and longing. You may be daydreaming about a good friend…imagining your hand gently brushing hers. Wondering what her lips would feel like pressed up against yours. Her soft skin…her movements. But then…is that just a fantasy? What does it all mean?

I remember wanting desperately to find a good quiz that could finally tell me, once and for all, exactly how gay I was.

A little bit of my story…

I didn’t realize I was a lesbian until I was 32. By this time I had already birthed two kids, had multiple relationships (with men), got married, and even tried dating a woman once. It wasn’t until my ex husband took me to a strip club (on my birthday) that I began to wonder…am I a lesbian?

That night after my husband and I returned home, and I was in awe…and feeling a little bit like I wasn’t necessarily in my body. My mind was definitely somewhere else (like perseverating over the stripper’s soft skin, the way she moved her body, and her smell). I figured the thoughts would go away. They didn’t. It wasn’t until one night in the bedroom, when my ex asked me, “What would you like for me to do?” I found myself telling him, “Put on a wig and paint your nails. Maybe shave your face.”

Then I began to drool a little…just at the thought of him not being a HE, but a SHE.

Oh lordy.

“Dang it! What is up with me?” I wondered. “Am I a lesbian, or what?!”

I mean, I still loved the guy. True, we were living on two different continents (totally beside the fact). If I still loved him, then how in the hell could I possibly be gay? I scoured the internet desperately trying to find a quiz that would answer the question that was begging to be answered: Am I a lesbian?

This was when I remembered that a good Internet friend of mine (as in…we had never met in person, but we had been friends for a few years) that had come out to me via a telephone conversation a few years prior to this. At the time, I thought it was totally sweet! She was a dear friend, and I knew I could confide in her. After a little bit of small talk, I finally came out with it.

I felt as if all of my insides had caught on fire. “What was she going to say? What if she thinks I’m mocking her? What if she thinks I’m not lesbian material?” Then my thoughts got the best of me. I figured for sure this meant that I was going to die a miserable, lonely death. A social pariah. Internally, I figured I might as well get my scarlet letter ready to wear from then on out.

But instead of reacting in a strange, bewildering way, she met me with such kindness and compassion.

(I cut out some junk about a cell phone…totally not important.) Then she sent me this…

Am I a lesbian? The Quiz…

This was probably THE MOST helpful thing that I ran across in terms of attempting to understand my gay-ness. My amazing friend sent me the following questions. If you happen to be someone that is wondering…”Am I a lesbian?” you may want to take out a piece of paper and a pencil and get to jotting the answers to these questions down right now.

1. How long have you been feeling this way?
2. Have you actually DONE any messing around so that you know its something you are comfortable with? Or is it more of a fantasy?
3. Do you fall for girls that you are close to?
4. If you look back to childhood, did you get a little crushy on girls?
5. Is being in a relationship with a girl something you want and need to be fulfilled? ( I mean you can love and be in relationships with girls and not be a lesbian. )
6. Is sex/are relationships with men completely uncomfortable and you have just been playing a role?
7. (The next few questions are for you if you happen to be in a straight relationship) Are you just over it because of particular circumstances? Or is it that you like crave women but don’t rule out men?
8. Is your relationship with him at all worth salvaging? If you are hoping to stay with him, would he be cool with you exploring that side of you?

The Verdict…

Of course you’re going to want someone to go through each of your answers with you to make heads or tails out of them! Here ya go.

1. How long have you been feeling this way?

Is this something that just came on recently? Did it just occur to you that, while watching Lagertha kick some serious ass in Vikings, that you think that women are hot? Or is it something that goes back much, MUCH further? Does it just come on when your boyfriend/husband annoys you?

2. Have you actually DONE any messing around so that you know it’s something you’re comfortable with? Or is it more of a fantasy?

If not, I want to say…right here, right now…that it’s TOTALLY FINE. The first time I answered this question, it was “No…but I’d like to if I could freaking find someone already!” If this is the case for you, IT’S OKAY. Give yourself some space and allow yourself to be okay with not knowing. It may not feel like it now, but this is a really sweet time for you. You’re waiting for your first. When I came out at 32, I had ZERO experience with women. It totally made me feel like I was back in middle school again. Now…if you have had experiences with women and your body started to tingle and your insides did flips (instead of wanting to vomit), you, my friend, could be a lesbian.

At the same time, there are those folks that watch a little L Word and find themselves enamored with Bette or Shane. Or watching Xena and being drawn to the total badassery of women warriors. That’s cool…but it may not mean you’re a lesbian. How often do you think about this character? Do you find yourself attracted to women that are similar to them? Is part of you wanting to tattoo a picture of Angelina Jolie on your boob in the hopes that it will quell your desire to press your body up against hers? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes”, then you could be a lesbian. If it’s more like a, “Nah…I really just think Bette Porter is hot because she is so powerful,” well, that likely means that you simply respect strong women.

Nuthin’ wrong with that!

3. Do you fall for girls that you are close to?

This is one of those signs that makes so many women wonder, “Am I a lesbian?” This alone makes friendship-relationships with women really difficult to maintain…particularly if you’re still in the closet. It goes like this: Things will be cool. You’ll be hanging out with some friend, and the more you get to know her…that soft, gooey center that is her heart…you find that you can’t stop thinking about her. You hang on every word she says. You look forward to texts from her. You may find yourself laughing to silly things she says not because she’s funny, but because she is just so dang precious and you never really want to leave her side. You’ve memorized all of her adorable little quirks, and you’re starting to finish her sentences. Then one day she pulls something crappy on you, and you react like a hurt lover…not like a typical “friend”…oof.

These are all signs you’ve got it bad. And if your past relationships with most of your close female friends went anything like this, you could, very well, be a lesbian.

4. If you look back to childhood, did you get crushy on other girls?

Have girls always made you feel funny? Did you attend many slumber parties when you were young and find yourself hiding in the bathroom because you were terrified one of the other girls would notice that your face turned beet-red at the sight of your friend, Suzie’s, underwear? Have most of your best friends been boys because you figured relationships with them would be “safer” and they wouldn’t make you feel that weird way?

I remember back in 1st grade. There was this girl…Amanda. She had the most amazing, glowing skin and the prettiest ringlets in her hair. She had a sweet voice and her hands were like little fairy hands. I would try to work up the nerve to talk to her, and I’d freeze. She once spoke to me when I had crutches. I literally fell over. Couldn’t get a word out to answer the question. I’m pretty sure she just thought I was weird. Anywho. This was just the beginning of MANY situations where I found myself super crushy on other girls. If you have had similar experiences, welcome to the club!

The following questions could indicate that you could be bi…

5. Is being in a relationship with a girl something you want and need to be fulfilled?

This is where things start getting deep. You can love and be in relationships with women and still not necessarily be a lesbian. Complicated, I know. As a human being, do you feel that having an energetically loving female-to-female relationship (emotionally, physically, mentally, romantically, and even spiritually) is something that you want and need for fulfillment in your life? There are plenty of women that need and crave having emotional, mental, and spiritual bonds with other women. Shoot…sometimes they may even feel the need to make out with them from time to time. But we’re talking about the desire to have deep, committed relationships primarily with those of the female persuasion.

I’ve gotta be honest. I don’t mind the male form. It doesn’t bother me one bit. Part of me might even find it attractive. However, after being in multiple relationships with men, I have always felt that there was something energetically “off”. It doesn’t work for me. Almost like…deep down, part of me is more male than female. But after I met my wife, I realized what I had been missing. It’s not the body parts or the fact that we both have periods. It’s that our energies sync up in a magnificent way. My way just tends to be a little more “yang” (male) – like.

This doesn’t mean that things won’t change! Something that is HUGELY important to remember is that human sexuality works on a sliding scale. You’ve got “mega straight” on the one side, and then “mega gay” on the other. There can be a whole range of other options in between…and that is AWESOME! It’s what makes being in this meat suit of yours amazing! You have the ability to taste the rainbow…I mean, the FULL spectrum. Don’t limit yourself. If you find that you fall in love with someone and you want to be with them, then do it! More on this later.

We’re talking about deep fulfillment here. Deeeeeep down, is there a hole in your soul that can only be filled by another woman? Or are you keeping your options open? If your answer is the latter, that’s okay. You’re open, and that’s a beautiful thing.

6. Is sex/are relationships with men completely uncomfortable and you have just been playing a role?

To be perfectly honest, this question helped to clarify my answer to the previous question. Although I really honestly didn’t mind physical intimacy with men, goodness gracious, relationships were weird. I often felt like the man in the relationship, but I was missing a penis. The men I was with all assumed the male role, and this made me feel really awkward. I didn’t want that. I also felt really strange using the word “husband” (it still makes me cringe).

My wife can’t stand the thought of “the ‘P’ word”. It totally grosses her out. Aside from that fact, sex with men made her skin crawl, and she felt as if she was screaming from the inside. Once she gave herself permission to explore women, a whole new world opened up for her. She realized that she had been playing a role the whole time that she was married and in relationships with men. However, when she began to explore relationships with women, she felt liberated. Shoot…she even looked and sounded different (and I’m not just talking about the cargo shorts she began to wear, even though they totally work for me). She became way more laid back.

Consider sex and relationships with men. Are you okay with sex, but the relationship bit is always weird? Or are you okay with the relationship piece, but every time you’re intimate with guys you want to crawl out of your skin? What is true for you?

If you are currently in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, consider these questions…

I had to include these questions since my last relationship with a man actually resulted in me realizing, “Hey…I AM a lesbian!” So if you are currently in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, take a minute to answer these questions:

7. Are you just over it because of particular circumstances? Or is it that you crave women but don’t rule out men?

Of course this is assuming you’re either DONE (or pretty close to done) with your current straight relationship. Is it just that your current boyfriend/husband is being a royal d-word and you can’t stand the thought of being with another guy after him? Have you been really burnt by men in previous relationships, so now you’re starting to wonder if women are the way to go? Have you recently broken up and the thought of getting into another relationship with a man makes your stomach turn? If so, give yourself the time you need to sift through the grief that is present. It may feel fun and trivial to consider a relationship with another woman. And yes, you may even act on it. Do a good deep-dive into your heart and ask it if it really wants a relationship of ANY kind.

At the same time, let’s say that your relationship with your boyfriend or husband has turned toxic because you have developed feelings for…say…your best friend. Or maybe you two get along swimmingly, but you just wish he was a woman. You keep hinting around that you want to “play” with women. He finds it exciting, and seems to assume it’s like an invitation for sex. But you know…deep down…that he’s a nice guy. As are all of the other guys you’ve dated in the past. You just can’t see yourself with him any more. You just KNOW you want to be with a woman.

The only thing I can suggest to you here is this: give it a try. As my wife says, “Taste the rainbow.” If you feel like you want to explore this part of yourself while separated from your hubs, then you’ve got a good, hard chat coming. It’s totally do-able. (I think I actually used the words: I am having a gender identity crisis. His response: “I figured.”) You never know. He could be SUPER supportive and give you the space you need.

Which brings us to our next question.

8. Is your relationship with him at all worth salvaging? If you are hoping to stay with him, would he be cool with you exploring that side of you?

Here’s where we’re peering into the realm of open relationships. It’s when one or both parties aren’t necessarily checked out of the relationship. Rather, they are looking to expand through various experiences physically, emotionally, or energetically. There are various reasons why people choose to have open relationships, and in this setup he would be giving you the space you need to explore this exciting side that really digs women. Some men are really okay with this. In fact, he may be wondering a little bit about tasting the rainbow himself.

If this prospect sounds promising to you, just a word of caution. This pond requires a lot of communication and honesty, my friend. Both parties need to be brutally honest with not only their partners (and their partner’s partners), but it also requires brutal honesty with self. This is a slippery slope when one partner is afraid they’re going to lose the other. They may be willing to do just about anything for the sake of holding on to the relationship. Everything may seem cool one day. The next: you’re wondering what in the hell happened as you find your clothes strewn all over the neighbor’s yard.

This call is yours to make. Sometimes it’s useful to make a clean cut. At the same time, if you think your partner may be into it, this could add a new exciting dynamic to your relationship.

Are you a lesbian?

As you may well know, the true answer to this question is (like the wise ones always say), within you. As awesome as it would be to have a great oracle come down from the sky and tell you, with all certainty, that you either are or you aren’t a lesbian, it just doesn’t happen that way. You’re the only one that that knows what is true for you. Being in this “meat suit” on this planet means that you’re constantly going to be discovering more and more about yourself…all the way until you discover your final breath. It just doesn’t end. Just as self-discovery doesn’t ever cease, the answer to this question could morph over time. I mean, for a good 20 years I believed that I was completely straight. Today, I find myself madly in love with my wife that I have been with for 10 years. I am grateful every single day for what I have, right now.

And that’s what it comes down to, right? We can’t know what’s going to happen in the future. I know of an AMAZING mind-body strategy that is more accurate than any quiz I have ever taken. It goes like this. Get quiet. Put your hand on your heart. Ask yourself what is true for you, in this moment. Do you feel you need to be with women? Pay attention to the voices within your body. How does your body feel? Check out this post to help you with this process: How to use your body’s wisdom to find your truth.

Finally, give yourself the permission to be whoever it is you feel you need to be. Remember to keep labels for food products. Know that whoever you are in this moment in time is PERFECT. You are PERFECT. You just can’t contain the perfection that is you.

Oh, and just a little side note: The friend that helped me discover I was a lesbian? She is now my wife. 🙂

If you feel like you would like more time with these questions…

…then I urge you to print out the “8 Simple Questions” below. This is important. Take your time to really examine what is true for you with regard to your sexuality.

Download the workbook below by clicking on the image. It has the 8 simple questions outlined in this article to help you get clear as to what is true for you. 

Just print it and take it with you. No questions asked.

I would love to know if this post has helped you in any way. Please comment below or feel free to contact me at toni@mindbodyplayground.com should you need support in any way.

Sending love.

Want to remember this for later? Pin it!